We live rather close to the Chihuahua city deportiva, an incredibly nice park and fitness facility run by and paid for by the city. It's a big, gorgeous park, filled with trees, bike paths, jogging and walking trails, baseball diamonds, and (wait for it) an Olympic pool. You have to buy a membership to use the pool, but everything else is free, even some classes like yoga and pilates.


It was our first trip there this morning, so we just walked, amazed. It's clean and large and filled with nice, polite people jogging or walking or watching their kids play ball. At various places outside and inside the deportiva, there were vendors selling healthier snacks, like whole-wheat gorditas and 100% juice. We couldn't resist getting some of that.


Then it was on to the Soriana for some grocery shopping, but first a stop at Dona Flors, a craft shop recommended to me by a student. I had never been here before, either, and I was astonished. It was the best craft shop I had ever seen in my life - all in one place, yarn and needles and cross stitch floss and paint and brushes and canvasses and about a million other things. I held myself back to buying some cross stitch stuff, as I want to do more of that, but I could have spent practically all day and a lot of money there.


We bought tasty veggies and fruit from Soriana, stopped for a cold drink at a little snack stand close to our new church, which I believe is called Our Lady of Guadalupe, but I'm not sure about that. I hope so. I love La Virgen de Guadalupe.


And now for a pic of my latest painting:

Current Mood: bouncy

Yes, it's happened - for the first time in six years, we have OUR OWN APARTMENT.

I don't mean a private apartment, which we've always had. I mean one we pay for ourselves. I realize this doesn't sound like such a great benefit, but let me explain.

In China and Korea, one of the perks of teaching is usually a free apartment. True, sometimes schools only offer shares, but it's pretty easy to find places which offer free, private apartments. Our apartments in China were huge; the one in Korea was a closet. Nevertheless, it was a great benefit.

The problem with it is, as has become glaringly obvious here at our school in Mexico, is that having your home tied to your job can be precarious if you can't trust your employer. I always could in China and Korea. This is no longer the case.

So we decided we could go stark raving mad about it, or we could finally just get our own place.

It took some help from a friendly student, but we did it, and quickly, too. Within one week of looking, we'd found one in a nice neighborhood, not too far from work, paid the first month, and were set. I think we were moved in four days after we looked at it.

We love it. It's OURS (well, and the landlady's). No one from the school can come and ask for things out of it or make us move or ask us to share. They can't just show up any time of the day or night and make demands. If we get fired or decide to leave, we're not homeless. HA!

One of the unexpected consequences of moving to our own apartment, though, is we now have a commute. We don't just live down the street, or over the school. We live in a whole different neighborhood, and while this is a good thing, it also means we have to figure out how to get to class every day.

One way is the bus. But another way is simply walking. I thought at first that there was no way, it was too far. But it was finally figured out that just walking there doesn't take a whole lot longer than walking to the bus stop, catching the bus, and then walking from were you get dropped off to the school. (It actually takes less time than that entire enterprise, but even the walking times alone are about the same: 20-25 minutes straight to school or 15 minutes to the bus stop and five minutes after getting off the bus.) Thing was, I was worried I would be too tired and hurt to do a good job in class if I walked all the way, every day, so I kept taking the bus.

After a couple of weeks, though, I did two things. One, I decided to change my attitude and see walking as exercise and not just a drudgery. I started adding up how many minutes a day I walk, at least five days a week, and it's about an hour. An hour! A day! Not counting weekends!

The other thing I noticed is I really don't hurt as much as I used to. So I can do more and feel, well, not so bad.

This is exciting. I haven't really done any good daily exercise since leaving my wonderful bike back in Beihai (sob). And I had no idea, until I started adding it up, that I was getting so much exercise in each day. It's got to be doing me some good. Got to.

Current Mood: pleased

I've made a new blog for all things Mexico: http://ay-chihuahua-amber.blogspot.com/ I'm still going to post here, of course, but this is going to be my All Mexico blog. I'm kinda sick of all the Mexico blogs I see being made by rich retired people who live in Yucatan. Viva the working class!

Current Mood: pleased

A few months ago, I decided I HAD to get a bilingual Bible. I actually have two Bibles in Spanish, but after seeing another person's bilingual Bible (even if it was a Protestant one), I knew I had to have one. It hadn't even hit me that such a thing existed until I saw it, and then it was all like YES! I WANT IT.

I tried to just find one in Chihuahua, pero es no va (no go). After a bizarrely long time, it occured to me I could order one online, but all the ones I looked at were rather expensive, even before the international shipping costs. (Note to US vendors - quit giving shipping breaks to Canada and not Mexico, you racist capitalist swine.) And at last I thought of my new favorite online bookstore, Better World, which not only has a good selection and inexpensive shipping (less than $4 per book, anywhere in the world), it also gives part of all sales to literacy funds and rescues used books from extinction. Huzzah! Get good and make good.

So I went ahead and ordered a very nice-looking leather-bound Catholic bilingual Bible from them, and began to play the waiting game. This is the part I hate, because every time I order books, I want them NOW, and every day I am in a fever of anticipation and mild fear that they won't arrive. Or that when they do, no one will be around to accept them and they would get to the downtown post office and require all sorts of wheeling and dealing in order for me to get a ride down there to retrieve them. Or get hung up at customs for no particular reason (Guangzhou never did release my $50 copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows). You're so vulnerable when you're in love.

Every day for the past three weeks, I've danced around the mailbox trying to catch sight of the book or a "pick up" slip, but every day, nothing. Until today! Hooray, it has arrived!

Thus, I must sing a song of praise to Spanish and Mexico. I've already covered Better World Books. Dig 'em.

1. Spanish is connected to Latin in a much purer way than English is, and I love it when Spanish words for things are like the more high-level English words. Example: yesterday, one of my adults classes asked me what "behavior" meant. I gave my usual sort of stuttering explanation until the light dawned. "OH," one of them said, and wrote down in his notebook, "Comportamente".

I love that.

2. People in Mexico are WAY more polite than Americans, and, strangely, Korea. Everyone, and I mean everyone, greets each other with "Buenos dias" or "buenos tardes". Men hold the door openfor women. If you drop something on the floor, someone else rushes to pick it up for you. All conversations start with inquiries into how you are feeling and how your family is, and people are genuinely interested. And something happens in Mexico on a daily basis that I saw maybe five times the whole year I lived in Korea - men give their seats to women on the bus, even teenage boys. Doesn't matter the age of the woman, males get up and offer their seats with a gentlemanly flourish. I saw this happen maybe five times in Korea, and always to old or pregnant women.

3. Mexico - they work hard and they play hard.

4. La comida! I know I've praised Mexican food before, but you can never praise it enough.

5. Menudo (the boy band) WAS NOT FROM MEXICO. In a related note, Bruce Lee was not Japanese.

6. Rosaries a'poppin'.

7. Mexico has day care centers, children's hospitals. extended close-knit families, babysitters, etc., but Mexicans never seem to be under the impression that raising their kids is ultimately anyone's responsibilty but their own. They're not always looking for ways to blame the school or teachers for everything their kids do, and they don't scream and threaten litigation to get everything their own way for their own needs, all other people be damned. Ejemplo: I was doing an activity with a high-level class in which they had to imagine they were hotel managers and had to come up with solutions to some problems in their hotel. One problem was there was nothing for kids to do and they ran around the hotel aimlessly. i did this about a thousand times in China, and my students there came up with good solutions involving hiring nannies, building playgrounds, etc. - pretty much what I figured were the "right" answers. But my Mexican students, all women with children, unanimously came up with ideas to educate people on how to take care of their own kids and how to spend more time with their own families. Bravo!

8. The kids I see in Mass are the most well-behaved kids I have ever seen in church. Ever.

This has gotten a bit away from my Bible, hasn't it?

Current Mood: ecstatic

1. It is now officially Really Freakin' Hot in Mexico. Average temp for past week: 100 F. With more to come.

2. I can get along surprisingly well in 100-degree heat if it's not humid. I love the desert.

3. Mass is back on and the swine flu scare is over. Hallelujah!

4. I hate kids' classes ever so much.

5. I'm going on an all-granola diet. Cold, cheap, oh so tasty. There's a high-fibre bakery a couple of blocks up the street, and they make great stuff with whole wheat. They also sell tubs of their own granola blend. Yum yum.

6. I've watched "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark" (TV movie Guillermo Del Toro is remaking) and 'Daughters of Darkness' on YouTube in the past 24 hours. Man, 70's movies ruled.

7. Kevin and I also watched two horrifyingly bad fantasy movies on MST3K: 'Outlaw (of Gor)' and 'Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell'. Not sure which movie is actually worse (I'm leaning toward 'Outlaw'), but Mike and the bots give 'em heck.

Cabot!

Current Mood: hot

I've always been interested in different religions and philosophies, and a few years ago, I read quite a bit about Islam.  One of the concepts I liked when I was reading was that of the "revert", the idea that people do not convert to Islam, they revert, because their original nature was that of submission to God.  I like the idea that the process of coming closer and submitting to God is reverting to your true nature and not something forced on you against your natural inclinations.  I also like the word for personal reasons, because I'm neither a "cradle Catholic" nor a convert to Catholicism, and the term "revert" expresses what happened rather succinctly.
My mother and my maternal side of the family were Catholic, and therefore, when I was a baby, I was baptised into the Church.  However, my father was not, and even my mother was not too keen on actually raising me Catholic.  They both decided that I should decide for myself and be free from dogma and all that stuff, even though, when I expressed a desire to go to Mass or church and learn more about Jesus and read the Bible, I was actively discouraged (for a while.  I am quite stubborn when I want to be.).  So I grew up without much Catholic input, did not go to parochial school, did not go to Mass, did not go to catechism classes, didn't make a first communion or  confirmation, did not learn much about the Church at all except a little about Jesus and Mary and "you wouldn't like it".
Therefore, when I decided as an adult I was interested in this whole Catholic thing, I found myself in an odd position.  I was baptised, so technically I didn't need to go through RCIA.  But I knew very little about the Church, the Mass, the teachings, even basic Mass protocol.  I was terrified the first time I went to Mass of my own accord.  I was sure I would be thrown out as an outsider, an imposter, a fraud.  I knew better than to take holy communion, but everything else I had to learn by looking out of the corner of my eyes at what everyone else was doing.  I left shaky with relief, and determined to return.  Gradually, the fear left me and I became more and more sure, against all that I thought was logical and normal for me, that I wanted to get confirmed. 
God handed me a gift right when I needed it; my parish offered a confirmation class for adults, and I grabbed the chance, finally making my first confession, confirmation, and communion.  But still, for years, I didn't have a snappy answer to the question, "How long have you been a Catholic?"  It seemed weird and confusing to answer honestly with, "Well, I was born Catholic but didn't get any instruction and then I decided to get confirmed as an adult..."  Now I can just say, "I reverted a few years ago", and then if someone wants more details, they can ask. 
Needless to say, it's the best thing I ever did, too.

Current Mood: good

I want to like more Christian music. Really, I do. It's just that so much of it is so...lame. Bless their hearts, they try, but so many bands or singers are weak, to put it charitably.

So imagine my surprise when I found not one, not two, but three decent Christian bands recently. Mostly broken up, of course, but still good: Calibretto 13, Supertones, and The W's (no relation). Both the Supertones and the W's are ska bands, but here's my fave - "The Devil is Bad":



Dig it.

Current Mood: pleased

I have somehow been surviving the great swine flu epidemic (rolls eyes), even doing such dangerous things as riding the bus, eating in restaurants with *gasp* other people, and giving classes. I know this sounds callous, but give me a break. Every time there's some new strain of whatever, everyone in America goes out of their minds with hysteria, and what ends up happening? Pretty dang little.

I understand the people of Mexico freaking a bit more, as there have been more than a few deaths in the country, but holy crap. School's cancelled, the government's pretty well shut down, all Church activities have been suspended, including Mass (!!), and not a single case has been detected in Chihuahua. The husband and I ate in a completely-deserted restaurant yesterday that oddly had the TV turned on to All-Panic TV News, and they did nothing, nothing for the entire hour we were there but jabber incessantly about the flu. The fact that it could be avoided by washing your hands regularly, not touching things and then sticking your hands in your mouth, and airing out your house/room/office was fairly ignored.

I've got to admit that I'm enjoying having a bit of class time off (not much - the maquilas - companies - still wanted their classes and I got sent to all maquilas this past week), but the lunacy concerning this thing is just amazing. I think people, in Chihuahua at least, are actually getting tired of the whole thing. Earlier this week, the streets were deserted and you saw almost no one out on the buses or driving, stores closed, etc. But more and more people have started creeping out as they saw for themselves the world wasn't ending as TV news so devoutly hopes it would, and yesterday and today, I noticed a lot more people out, shopping, getting ice cream, riding public transport. generally going on with their lives.

Looking back upon the latests string of mutant illnesses, I've noticed something and think I have a solution, a way to stop any more of these things from happening: GO VEGETARIAN. SARS - came from exotic cats people were eating in Guangzhou. Mad cow - cannibal beef. Avian flu - chickens. And now the poor pigs. Revenge of the animals! Planet of the apes! It's a madhouse, a maaadhouse!

Current Mood: annoyed

Stephen Fry explains how to be gorgeous like us:

Current Mood: amused

One of the things I find rather charming about Mexico is the travelling guitar man. I've never seen a woman do this, so I'll stick to the male gender for the time being. Anyway, I've seen this both in little cafes and on the bus: a guy with a guitar, usually very cheap and old, comes in, sings, asks for some change, then is on his way. I love being serenaded while I eat or sit on the bus. It also seems to me to be a very pure way of making a living: no flyers, no marketing, no merchandise. Just the man and his art.

I'm sure it's hard to busk around this way, but I like the music. I hate people who treat other cultures as interesting little experiments for them to observe for their amusement (almost always obvious in the way these people use the pronouns THEM or THEY to refer to the native people giving them money and hospitality: Oh, isn't it funny the way THEY do things? I'll never understand the way THEY think), but this does play into some of my more romantic presumptions about Mexico. Nice, warm weather, hot Latin guys, and someone singing romantic songs on an acoustic guitar. Yeah baby.

Still feel good on the veggie diet, but started getting tired tired tired. And my legs started feeling even more like they weren't working right. I'm sure this has a lot to do with the pinched nerve, but still, it was kind of a bring down. Then, yesterday, while I was shopping for some junk for the last kids' class, I had an epiphany. I bought some 100% ornage juice and a nice big bunch of bananas. While everyone else around me had pizza and cookies and ice cream, I ate bananas and drank orange juice and was not only totally happy but felt much better and energized. I didn't even had much of an appetite for cake when one of my students brought some to class (I did eat a piece, though. Hey, I'm not made of stone.). So this, I think, is the key: FRUIT. Especially bananas. And I am so totally not going to argue with that.

Current Mood: awake

So I went to the osteopath Tuesday. And the diagnosis? No spina bifida. Huzzah!

I DO have a degenerated disc in my back, though. Thus, I have to: exercise more (ack), take some pills, and lose some weight.

Righty right, says I. Let's make the best of this.

He recommended I do bike riding, walking, or swimming, because they'd be low-impact on my back. This is fabulous news, because I already walk every day and I LOVE swimming and bike riding, so this gives me a great excuse to push for 1) a new bike, and 2) a gym membership somewhere with a pool.

Because my doctor TOLD me to. Heh heh heh.

Also, this totally motivates me to get back to eating better, which I wanted to do anyway. The Husband and I went on a shopping spree at our local Soriana and went hog-wild with the fruits and veggies. Our refrigerator is packed with greens, carrots, bell peppers, etc., and we have a fruit piled everywhere. The result? I've been eating nothing (OK, almost nothing - I have drunk rather a lot of coffee) but fresh fruits and veggies for the past two days and I already feel so much better. I know the new medicine I got is helping as well, but I just feel better overall: more energetic, more mentally on the ball, and, of course, in much less pain. Hallelujah! Jesus is so kind!

Lunch was veggie sandwiches (tomato, cucumber, avocado, and sprouts) on whole wheat bread. And for dinner, I made the best palak paneer I have ever made in my life, with whole wheat tortillas. Both Kevin and another teacher at the school tried it and freaked about how good it was. I even took a picture of it for posterity, even though it pretty much looks like green mush in a photo. I scrambled to write what I did down, because I always want to make it this way in the future. I think the secret was the natural unsweetened yogurt.

Mmmm, yogurt.

Current Mood: bouncy

Pico is still in a phase where he thinks his head is part of Pepper's neck, but the bigger he gets, the more he acts like a sweet kitty and less like a Tasmanian Devil. This is evidenced by the fact that Pepper actually allows Pico to sleep next to him sometimes. He (Pico) has gotten so much bigger since last December, it's amazing. He's almost as big as Boo Boo, although Pico is built less like a ball of fluff and more like a big muscle with legs and a cat head.





(Sleep together in perfect harmony...)

Current Mood: amused

Well, in the maybe-perhaps-don't-freak-out-let's-do-some-more-tests category: I may have spina bifida.

I went back to the doc yesterday with my x-rays and a report from the clinic, and both they and the consulting doc think I may have it. Because - wait for it - MY SPINAL CORD IS SPLIT IN TWO.

She (the doc) was rather amazed I hadn't had any back problems before. Now that I've seen the x-rays, I am too. I didn't have an back problems when I was hit IN THE BACK in a car accident. I didn't have any back problems when I worked at a preschool and was lifting 1 1/2 - 2 year olds all day long. I didn't have any back problems when I was lifting weights 3 - 4 times a week. Knee problems, hell yeah. Feet problems, sure. Back? I pulled a muscle about 1996, took Doan's back pills for 3 or four days, and haven't had a twinge since.

So I'm going to set up an appointment with a back guy next week to find out for sure, and what I need to do if it is true.

I (may, might) have what's called spina bifida occulta, hidden SB, because it so often isn't discovered until late in life. I can dig it. Nature is a mad scientist, and the body is filled with almost endless possibilities for bizzareness, but what's amazing to me is two things:

1) If this is true, I came really, really, really close to being born with a serious birth defect, one which could have disabled me physcially and cognitively and caused, well, all kinds of problems (just Google spina bifida is you want to know more. Needless to say, the other types of SB are extremely debilitating)

2) No one caught this before now. I know the SB I may have is called the hidden type, but really, how could I have had so many x-rays and health checks over my life and NO ONE NOTICED MY SPINAL CORD IS SPLIT IN TWO? I know when people do health checks, they're looking for certain things and don't have time to look for every little possible things, but this seems kinda obvious. I had x-rays and sonograms done several times when I was going through gallstones. I had appendix surgery when I was a kid. I had x-rays, blah blah when I got my nose broken and had to have surgery. I had to have two medical checks done in China including x-rays and one in Korea. And no one, ever, caught that parts of my spine look like She Who Speaks With Forked Tongue.

I'm not all freaked out, but it is pretty weird.

Anyway, the doc gave me some medicine and injections (!!) to do at home (which means Kevin will have to do them), and they're making me feel much better, pain-wise. I still had to sleep last night propped upright on the love seat, but I slept much better and tonight, please merciful Lord, I may even get to sleep lying down for the first time in almost a week. (I cannot express how awful this is for me. I can't even sleep on thirty-hour flights because I cannot sleep sitting up, or even remotely sitting up.) At one point a couple of nights ago, I thought, what if it's this way for the rest of my life? What if I had to do this every night from now on? Instead of complete panic, I am happy to say that my attitude was, thy will be done. If that's what God wants, then there are things to learn and become a better person from it.

That's how I've tried to see the whole experience, and I've been much calmer than I ever would have thought possible. I know it sounds like I'm shrugging and saying some spiritual equivalent of "whatever", but I'm not. Things might change, maybe drastically. But God never does things for no reason. And that makes me grateful for whatever happens.

Current Mood: weird

I hurt my back. Bad.

I seem to have a herniated disk, which is causing sciatica. Sciatica is when the slipped disk (among other causes) pinches the sciatic nerve running down your spine, and it hurts like hell. I have nothing but contempt for people who run crying to the doctor and call in sick over every tiny pain, but this HURTS. The pinched nerve sends hot bolts of burning, tingling pain down my left leg at every opportunity, so bad that for the past three days I haven't been able to sit or stand up for longer than about 5 minutes. I had a fit this morning so bad I was crying and screaming into my pillow, me, the person who climbed Shan Mountain in China with a bum knee and a gashed hand. I crawled a lot of the way, but dammit, I did it.

You know what caused it, this spasm of burning pain so bad I was crying, screaming, and shaking all over? I got up for about one minute to go let the cats out. Get out of bed, walk to the door, open the door, walk back to bed. In that time, it attacked me so viciously I practically went into convulsions.

I used to think gallstone attacks were the worst pain I have ever felt. No longer.

I'm apparently in the acute phase (you got that right) and it will ease off. I'll still have to do something about the disk and the pain probably won't go all the way away for awhile, but in theory I won't be having so much pain that I can't stand up.

This leads to a rather sticky wicket - my classes. There is NO ONE to fill in for me while I get better, which means the other teachers, including Kevin, will have to do extra work to cover me. I feel quite bad about this - I sure know I would resent it if the shoe was on the other foot - but what can I do? It's pretty unequivocal that I can't teach - I CAN'T EVEN STAND UP.

The sciatica backed off enough today for me to be able to sit up for awhile, though, hence this post. It still regularly hurts bad enough so that I have to assume the position, the only position in which the pain goes away: on my elbows and knees with my butt in the air. Yes, this dignified position is pretty much the only way to stop the insanity because it stretches some butt muscle that that sciatic nerve runs through and eases the pinch. Thankfully, Kevin is not the kind of person who would find taking a picture of this extremely funny (like I am).

The cats , including the naughtiness that is Pico, have been all sweet and loving, snuggling against me for hours, not fighting, being good boys. Animals always know, unlike people, some of whom I have the sneaking suspicion figure I just pulled a muscle and am being a big baby about it.

Starting today, I also can't lay down in any way without becoming extremely uncomfortable, which makes it pretty hard to sleep. I actually did doze off while in the Raised Butt Position, but it was not very satisfying.

Interestingly, after the big attack this morning, while Kevin was sleeping and I was trying to relax as best I could with my face grinding into the mattress, his computer suddenly came one and starting playing EWTN, the Catholic channel. He'd turned it on for a bit before but then turned it off, yet it came on by itself. What was playing? The recitation of the rosary. And I felt a lot better afterwards. Coincidence? I think not.

Current Mood: sick

Mis hijos:



Number One Son

Number Two Son


Cat-Dog




Dog-Cat (and look at those eyebrows)

I got a new company class this week, which made me sad because it meant I had to stop going to daily Mass. On the other hand, it opened up a whole new adventure for me, because I have to take the bus.

This doesn't sound very exciting, especially since I had so many bus problems in Korea, but it is. I don't have to wait for someone to pick me up or bring me home. I don't have to listen to someone else's crappy choice in radio or obnoxious chit chat. If there's no class for some reason, I can turn around and come back on my own. I can see all kinds of things in Chihuahua I've never had a chance to see before. I'm free! Free!

Also, the bus ride is rather pleasant. The weather here is nice (VERY nice - it's been in the 70s and 80s for weeks), the morning traffic at that time is not bad, and the bus never gets too crowded, at least not by Asian sardine-can standards. I almost always get a seat, and the trip from the bus stop to the company only takes about 15 minutes, not an hour. No one's stomped on my foot so hard it swelled up and turned purple yet, and the route goes all over, so the more familiar I get with it, the better I'll know the city.

Of course, I'm doing my usual fine-tuning of the bus stops and times. I keep getting off too early or too late and so adding a bunch of walking, but it hasn't been too bad. My students find it highly amusing I'm so pleased to be taking the bus, as most of them think the buses here are horrible. How wrong they are! A few days jammed together on the Hwaseong bus system would change that attitude, but I don't wish that on these kind people.

In cat news: Pico has grown these odd white eyebrows. They're really long and curly and look like something out of Dr. Suess. I'm also pretty sure he's related (probably the son of) El Gato Negro. They have the same naughty face and big ears. I've let the son of the enemy into my house! Pico seems to have no inkling of this, however, and regards Pepper as his daddy, rooting for The Boy whenever Pepper has to go kick some black cat butt. Kevin has pointed out that the older Pico gets, the more he looks like a Chihuahua dog. So now I have a cat who acts like a dog but looks like a cat, and a cat who looks like a dog but acts like a cat.

Current Mood: amused

I have a new favorite saint - Saint Gemma Galgani. She's not as famous in the West as Francis or Therese or Padre Pio, but she's a good one. We've been spending a lot of time together, she and I, and, inspiried by her example and Lent, I've been praying to share in the suffering of Jesus, just a little bit.

It occured to me during Mass that I already have my own, so to speak, stigmata. Both the crucifixes over the altars at Saint Anthony's show Jesus with torn, bloody knees, and it finally hit me - Jesus' knees hurt. So I might not bleed from my palms, but I can feel Our Lord's pain in my knees and meditate on the Passion and offer it up just like Pio. Jesus walked on swollen knees. Jesus knows how it feels to turn just a little and have them shoot pain up your legs. Jesus knows how it feels to practically have to drag them by sheer willpower. And I do, too.

Jesus also decided to let me share in his suffering by letting me pull/throw out/strain my lower back yesterday. I almost never have back pain, amazingly, but yesterday I pulled somethin' because I can't bend over or sit or pick anything up without a whole bunch of hurting. So I can just be mean and gripe about it or I can see it as another manifestation of my personalized stigmata. Jesus' back hurt carrying the cross. Jesus couldn't bend over during the Passion without wrenching something.

If this sounds like I'm being sarcastic, I'm really not. Every time I have to clench my teeth to keep from shouting from the pain and I have to walk around like an 80-year-old woman because I can't go any faster without hurting, I remember that Jesus hurt like this and a million times worse - for me. And for all these ungrateful people who try to minimize him and ignore and blaspheme him and say he doesn't even exist. He would have gone through all that even for the worst person on earth (Christopher Hitchens?) alone. And thnking of that suddenly makes me feel a whole lot better.

Current Mood: calm

I love the rosary, and I've recently gotten into making twine rosaries. Once you make them, though, you have to have someone to give them to, so, besides sending them to various missions which desperately need them, I've decided I will also send one to whomever wants one, especially prisoners. If you want one or know someone who does, just send me an email at amberrollins[at]gmail.com and give me your address. La Paz de Jesucristo!

Current Mood: excited

Just a little Spanish practice. I don't have the past tense down, so everything is in the present tense. But it's a (short) true story.


Está mañana voy a Misa. Voy a la capilla poca, pero no! No misa! Los gentes vienen en para confesión, pero no misa. Estoy muy triste.

Sin embargo, voy mirar y camino a la templo grande. Ah! Que feliz! La misa santa. Es un buen día.

Mis gatos también están tienen un buen día.

Current Mood: sleepy

I've been wanting to join a third order for some time, and have, in fact, been a member of a Franciscan 3rd order called the Brothers & Sisters of Penance for about three years. Third orders, or secular orders, are groups that Catholic laity can join wherein they're called on to do certain things and live certain ways in order to make themselves more holy and united with God. Third orders don't have to wear uniforms or live together in a community, but they do have to follow certain rules and perform certain duties, ranging from a few to a whole lot.

Yeah, but aren't all Catholics and Christians called to do certain things and be holy? Yep. But third orders give us a variety of ways to focus on these things, certain points to concentrate on, and support from other people doing the same thing.

Now, at first, I figured I wanted to join some sort of Franciscan order. I adore Saint Francis, so how could you go wrong with him? So I joined the BSP. However, it has become increasingly clear to me that this is not the order for me. Not that they're bad; far from it. It's a very dedicated group run by kind and generous people, and I would recommend them to anyone thinking of joining a Franciscan order. But the focus, the charism, is not, I think, right for me.

Penance.

I'm not trying to weasel out of anything and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. Everyone needs to do penance and to try and root out the things to which they are too attached. But it just seems wrong for me to emphasize it, spend my prayer time on it. I need a focus which is, for lack of a better word, more positive, not so much about personal suffering and denial. There are other areas to which I lean, which come to me more naturally and to which I think I am better suited.

If given the choice, I would say I would be a good Discalced Carmelite. I did try to join a group during the brief time we were back in the US, but God has other plans. I'm already doing everything a lay Carmelite is expected to do, and the emphasis on praying for others and using the little way of love of St. Therese seemed very "me".

But God wants me to learn, not do what I was already doing anyway, and I didn't get a chance to go any further into it in Texas before I was whisked away. Carmelites demand attendance at regular local meetings, and this, for the time being, is right out.

But I still want an order. What to do?

But I realized I have already made commitments to two: the Confraternity of the Holy Rosary and the Oblates of Divine Mercy. I've had a devotion to the rosary for a long time, so long I had totally forgotten being a member, because it came so naturally! And when I discovered the Divine Mercy chaplet a little more than a year ago, I joined the Oblates, who promise to pray for others and spread devotion to the Divine Mercy. I was good on the first one, not so good on the second. But I'm working on that.

OK, so I'm praying the rosary and the Divine Mercy chaplet. What else can I do?

And out of nowhere, I found a most interesting order: the Confraternity of the Passion.

At first, I figured this wouldn't interest me. Not because I I don't want to think about it or that I think it's unimportant (!) but because I almost feel too much when I think about it. The Sorrowful Mysteries make me sad. The Way of the Cross makes me cry. There were many, many parts of "The Passion of the Christ" that I just couldn't watch. So how could the Confraternity of the Passion hold anything for me?

Luckily, I kept reading, and found that the confraternity wasn't just about dwelling on Christ's pain and sorrow. It's about mercy and love (see? Those two things again): God's love and mercy to us, and our love and mercy to others. They have a Rule, but it's not all fasting and spelling out what you can wear; it's about praying, reading, listening to the voice of God, learning to love life, and using this love to heal others.

I'm a little excited. Can you tell?

So I'm going to try being a Passionist for a while. If it turns out this, too, is not for me, then I keep looking. But I'm sure that either way, I'll learn and grow and get better (sounds like I'm sick, doesn't it? Rather fitting.), so what's to lose?

Current Mood: cheerful